Marshall High School
Fractured Fax
Our Lives Explained in Graphs
Thanks, Sam!
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Amazingly Simple
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PUNS FOR REALLY SMART PEOPLE 2.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a 3.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it 5. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her 6. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from 7. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table 8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. 10. I wondered why the baseball was getting
1.I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical
Aleutian.
tie.
will still be stationery.
still.
algebra class because it was a weapon of math
disruption.
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from
too much pi.
The police are looking into it.
bigger. Then it hit me.
ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can no longer afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street".
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
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FRACTURED FAX 2-26-11
Catch a falling star........
and you're toast.
FRACTURED FAX 3/25/11
RESISTANCE IS NOT FUTILE.
IT'S VOLTAGE DIVIDED BY CURRENT.
FRACTURED FAX 3/24/11
If you eat pasta, then eat
antipasto,are you still hungry?
FRACTURED FAX 3/23/11
ENGINEERING: Like math, but louder
FRACTURED FAX 2/20/11
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PUNS FOR REALLY SMART PEOPLE
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AN ALLEGED HISTORY OF VALENTINE'S DAY
Gather 'round, kids, and let me tell you the real story of this touchingly sentimental
day. Valentine's Day, it seems, goes back to the 5th century. And what a century
it was. There was something for everybody: pillaging, torture racks, the occasional
boiling of a pesky neighbor, and outdoor sports -- like stoning.
It was around that time that those nutty Romans decided February was the
perfect month to practice a pagan celebration commemorating a young man's
rite of passage to the god Lupercus. Here's how it worked:
The names of all the village's teenage girls would be placed in a box, and
the young men would each draw a name. Kind of like large families do when
deciding who gives a gift to whom at Christmastime. But in this case, surprise!
the girls were the gifts, and each was assigned to the young man who had
chosen her name as a sexual partner for the whole year. Think of it as computer
dating without the soy latte.
But, alas, it seems that it was an imperfect system. The mating selection
process just didn't seem fair to the girls, all of whom suddenly developed a
chronic case of nighttime headaches. Enter the good pope Celasius (an
unfortunate pope name), who decided that the way to change things was to
change the names in the hat from the town teenagers to saints. So, instead
of partaking of a yearlong sex-ed lab course, the town's teenage boys would
just have to settle for emulating their drawn saint. It was out with the
pagan god Lupercus and in with a saint of love.
And right before Celasius' eyes stood the good bishop Valentine. "I got
a gig for ya, Val," Celasius said. "You're gonna be the love saint."
Now, that didn't work out real well for Valentine. As the "love saint," he thought
marriage to be a good idea and began uniting couples without so much as drawing
a name out of a hat. And that's when Emperor Claudius came calling. Claudius
thought that married men made bad soldiers (and housekeepers, too, but I digress),
so he did the military thing: he banned marriage. Oh, and bad news for Valentine,
too --- Claudius condemned him to be stoned and beheaded. In no particular order.
But, this story has a happy ending. While Val was cooling his heels in prison
waiting to be dealt his punishment, he became involved with the daughter of the jailer
Asterius. Asterius' daughter was blind, but through the strength of his faith,
Valentine miraculously restored her sight. And just before his execution, he
handed her a farewell message that said, "From your Valentine."
Which makes for a far more touching story than if he'd said to her, "I just can't
take anymore of this --- I'm going out and get stoned."
Check This Out. Some Awsome Stunts.
Well, it might be a little late, but everyone needs
to know the date. CLICK HERE for the Hooter's
2010 Calendar.
The next 15 cartoons are brought to you courtesy
of that crazy Donna Brown Black (the girl can't even
make up her mind what color she is). Thanks, Donna !!
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If you stare at this picture long enough,
you should be able to see a giraffe.
This is weird. Give it a try.
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Thanks, Barry! 29 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
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EVER WONDER WHY....
* women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed?
* you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
* you have to click "Start" to stop Windows 98?
* lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
* the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
* there isn't a mouse-flavored catfood?
* who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
* Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
* they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
* they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?
* sheep don't shrink when it rains?
AND....
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(DARN, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(thanks for the tip)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(whew! that was close!)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(yeah, but it saves time...)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could really reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and I'm taking this for....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use only."
(as opposed to......)
On Sundsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(news flash)
On an American Airlines package of nuts: "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3, maybe fly Delta?)
How Fairy Tales Really End, Scene 1
This is not my fault. It's Pat Bailey's.
CINDERELLA
How Fairy Tales Really End, Scene 2
More of Pat's insanity--
How Fairy Tales Really End, Scene 3
Who's in charge of Pat today?
HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 4
THE LITTLE MERMAID
HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 5
BELLE (BEAUTY & THE BEAST)
HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 6
Sleeping Beauty
HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 7
Jasmine (Aladdin)
HOW FAIRY TALES REALLY END, Scene 8
FRACTURED FAX 8/7/10
FRACTURED FAX 8/6/10
Thanks, Donna!
I like cats. I just can't eat a whole
one by myself.
Ok, so what is the speed of dark?
A little something for the ladies:
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THANKS A BUNCH, JUNE!
Life boils down
to 2 questions...
1. Should I get a dog.....?
OR...
2.. Should I have children?
WHY TEACHERS DRINK...
FRACTURED FAX 6/9/10
FRACTURED FAX 6/8/10
FRACTURED FAX 6/7/10
Click Here To Return To Top Of Page
Until I can figure out how to dress up this URL using
a picture instead, go ahead & click on the link. Video
quality is poor, but you'll forget all about that.
Terry Bradshaw on Leno w/ lady who performed
CPR, saving the chicken's life. Click below.
000/4/5/4/13454/userfiles/file/chicken_CPR.wmv
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engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. 
A few good Senior Moments
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An Elderly Gentleman…….
had a serious hearing problem for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Ever wonder what happens when you
leave your computer on all night? Click on the stick person above, then click
PLAY and enjoy this amazing bit of imagination! (There's sound.)
This Picture Is For Only Half Of You Out There
AND DON'TT DRINK AND SPELL!
So if we don't walk or drive, we're home free?
Uh..........oh
Save the Earth. It is the only planet with chocolate!!!!!!
THANKS, PAT BAILEY
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of another Septic Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Doo Wop 30 Oldies Quiz
Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief!
Take the quiz and see how you score as a true "Oldies Fan." Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end.
Don't Cheat, now!
1. When did "Little Suzie" finally wake up?
a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. "Rock Around The Clock" was used in what movie?
a) Rebel Without A Cause
b) Blackboard Jungle
c) The Wild Ones
3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth__
a) Angel
b) Mother
c) Worm
4. "I found my thrill..." where?
a) Kansas City
b) Heartbreak Hotel
c) Blueberry Hill
5. "Please turn on your magic beam, _______bring me a dream,":
a) Mr. Sandman
b) Earth Angel
c) Dream Lover
6. For which label did Elvis Preseley first record?
a) Atlantic
b) RCA
c) Sun
7. He asked, "Why everybody always pickin' on me?" Who was he?
a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
b) Charlie Brown
c) Buster Brown
8. In Bobby Darin's "Mack The Knife", the one with the knife, was named:
a) MacHeath
b) MacCloud
c) MacNamara
9. Name the song with "A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom."
a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
c) Tutti Fruitti
10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term "Rock and Roll"?
a) Dick Clark
b) Woldman Jack
c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
a) Little Richard
b) Frankie Lymon
c) Tony Orlando
12. Paul Anka's "Puppy Love" is written to what star?
a) Brenda Lee
b) Connie Francis
c) Annette Funicello
13. The Everley Brothers are.....
a) Pete and Dick
b) Don and Phil
c) Bob and Bill
13. The Big Bopper's real name was:
a) Jiles P. Richardson
b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
a) Decca
b) Cameo
c) Motown
16. Edd Brynes had a hit with"Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb"..
What TV show was he on?
a) 77 Sunset Strip
b) Hawaiian Eye
c) Surfside Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
a) Carol Lynley
b) Sandra Dee
c) Natalie Wood
18. They were a one hit wonder with "Book Of Love":
a) The Pinguins
b) The Monotones
c) The Moonglows
19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called "Till I_____You."
a) Loved
b) Kissed
c) Met
20. Chuck Berry sang "Oh, __________, why can't you be true?"
a) Suzie Q
b) Peggy Sue
c) Maybelline
21. "Wolly________"
a) Mammouth
b) Bully
c) Pully
22. "I'm like a one-eyed cat...."
a) can't go into town no more
b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
c) peepin' in a seafood store
23. "Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do...."
a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise
24. "They often call me Speedo, but my real name is .....
a) Mr. Earl
b) Jackie Pearl
c) Milton Berle
25. "You're my Fanny and nobody else's...
a) girl
b) butt
c) love
]26. "I want you to play with my......"
a) heart
b) dreams
c) ding a ling
27. " Be Bob A Lula...."
a) she's got the rabies
b) she's my baby
c) she loves me, maybe
28. " Gine Love, Fine Kissing..."
a) right here
b) fifty cents'
c) just for you
29. "He wore black denim trousers and..."
a) a pink carnation
b) pink leotards
c) motorcycle boots
30. "I got a gal named..."
a) Jenny Zamboni
b) Gerri Mahoney
c) Boney Maroney
ANSWERS:
Scroll down so you aren't tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here)....
1. (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4. (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6. (c) Sun
7. (B) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. ( c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kessed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin" in a seafood store
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) butt
26. (c) ding a ling
27. (b) she's my baby
28. (a) right here
29. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney
HEAVEN IS WHERE:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French, and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
HELL IS WHERE:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss, and
It's all organized by the Italians.
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
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Wouldn't you like to see this, just once....
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Why didn't Noah swat
those two mosquitoes?
