Texas Humor

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER
THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE
A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN
SHE DIED. SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45
GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A
40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Texas Cowboy's Lament

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weyman Meinzer's - WEST TEXAS

 

Sam is cooking up THE WORLD'S MOST DELICIOUS WAY to enjoy

blackeye peas on New Year's Day.

The recipe from Edd is posted on the "Message Forum."  If you want a treat, look over on the the left side of this page, click on "Message Forum" and take a look!

 

 

 

 

 

HOW DRY IS IT IN TEXAS?    
     
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are beginning to baptize by sprinkling,

the Methodists are using wet-wipes,

the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,

and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.


Now, that's DRY!

 

So it's an advertisement, it is still a darn good song
 

ONLY IN TEXAS     

    This page is dedicated to all Texans, used-to-be Texans, adopted Texans or wanna-be Texans:

        Jes' Texas

   Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
       Friendship, Texas 76530        

   

 Love the sun?
 Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 9261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Pearland, Texas 77581
Orange, Texas  77630

And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas 79556 

Why travel to other cities:  Texas has them all!

Detroit, Texas 75436
Cleveland, Texas 75436
Colorado City, Texas 79512
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Pittsburg, Texas 75686
Newark, Texas 76071
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462
Pasadena, Texas 77506
Columbus, Texas  78934

Feel like traveling outside the country?

Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Dublin, Texas 76446
Egypt, Texas  77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Italy, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
Palestine, Texas 75801

No need to travel to Washington, D.C.

Whitehouse, Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth, Texas 79031

 We have a city named after our state

Texas City, Texas  77590

Exhausted?

Energy, Texas 76452


Cold?

Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas 79567


Like to read about history?

Santa Anna, Texas 76878
Goliad, Texas 77963
Alamo, Texas 78516
Gun Barrel City, Texas 75156
Robert Lee, Texas 76945

Need office supplies?

Staples, Texas 78670

Want to go into outer space?

Venus, Texas 76084
Mars, Texas 79062

You guessed it.  It's on the state line.

Texline, Texas 79087

For the kids...

Kermit, Texas  79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas  77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names to make you smile.....

Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City

Kilgore, Texas 75662

And special favorites...

Cut and Shoot, Texas 77303
Gun Barrel City, Texas 75147
Ding Dong, Texas
West, Texas (it's in Central Texas)
and, of course,
Muleshoe, Texas 79347

 

A Texas Cow Wash

 

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;

If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas.

 

 

 

Rules for Yankees who move to     1. Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be     instructed later how to use it. 2. If you forget a Texan's name, refer to him (or her)      as "Bubba."  You have a 75% chance of being      right. 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does     not mean we can.  Stay home the 2 days of the      year it snows. 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.       Four men in the cab of a 4-wheel drive with a      12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along      shortly.  Don't try to help them.  Just stay out      of their way.  This is what they live for. 5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in     the same store. 6. Do not buy food at the movie store. 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth     cooking, let alone eating. 8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is plural.     "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 9. The first Texas expression to creep into a trans-     planted Yankee's vocabulary is the adjective "big      ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy."  Eighty-     five per cent begin their new Texas-influenced      dialect with this expression.  One hundred per      cent are in denial about it. 10.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school      is no longer proper. 11. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is      valid here. 12. Tornadoes and Texans going through a divorce      have a lot in common.  In either case, you know     someone is going to lose a trailer. 13. In Texas churches you will hear the hymn, All      Glory, Laud and Honor.  You will also hear ex-     pressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," "Good      Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy." 14. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here,     are you?"

 

 

Gotta love it!
ONLY IN TEXAS...  



       Texas Beer Joint Sues Church   
  
         In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on
expansion of their building to increase their business.

  In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar
from    expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until
the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it
burned to the ground.
     
        After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church
folks were  rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of
prayer", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church
"was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through
direct or indirect actions or means".

    In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.     
 
    The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and  the defendant's
reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I  don't know how I'm  going
to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork  that we have a  bar owner
who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that
now does not." 
 
    True Story.
 

 

 

Stupid Texas Laws

* When 2 trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. * One city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot w/o first obtaining a special $5 permit. * It is illegal to take more than 3 sips of beer at a time while standing. * It is illegal to drive w/o windshield wipers.  You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers. * It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. * It is illegal to milk another person's cow. * A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.   * The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. Beaumont Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University. Clarendon It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster. El Paso Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them." Houston Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday. Mesquite It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. Port Arthur Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator. San Antonio It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.  It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo. Temple No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.  You can ride your horse in the saloon. Texarkana Owners of horses may not ride them at night without  tail lights.

 

 Here are some little-known, very interesting facts about Texas

1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North
America built over water.  Destroyed by Hurricane Ike - 2008!

6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John Wm. Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of No. America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston," but the Space Center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time.

12. King Ranch in So. Texas is larger than Rhode Island.

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July, 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation.  This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. flag and may divide into 5 states.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885.  There is no period in Dr Pepper.

18.  Texas has had six capital cities: Harrisburg, Galveston, Valasco, West Columbia, Washington-on-the Brazos and Austin.

19. The Capitol dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol building in Washington, DC (by 7 feet).

20 The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free-standing monument in the world and is taller than the Washington Monument.

21. The name 'Texas' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas,' meaning friends.  Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

22. The State Mascot is the armadillo.  They always have 4 babies.  They have one egg, which splits into 4, and they either have 4 males or 4 females.

23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments        posted at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas

1) Just one God 2) Honor yer Ma & Pa 3) No tellin' tales or gossipin' 4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting 5) Put nothin' before God 6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal 7) No killin' 8) Watch yer mouth 9) Don't take what ain't yers 10) Don be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.   Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding a 200-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, a local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl, Texas, Bubba Jones, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless." Just makes you proud to live in Texas, don't it?

 

 Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

Texas Ice Cream Truck
Just how hot is it in Marshall today?

 

 

Ya'll git all that?

 

 

 

Stay tuned for more, as soon as my typin' fingers quit a-hurtin'